Hassan—a stark planta mafafa fan—has a drag at a fat, dank jay and gasps, “What a man!” at an anagram par Gargas Parac. Hassan’s smart and has a class at Alcala. “That’s art, man!” barks Hassan at Bart McAdams, a daft lad. Bart can’t grasp all that jazz. As Hassan’s pal, Bart’s a tad drab.
As had Parac, Hassan has a black, Madagascan cat (Frank) that can catch rats, crawl, and clap! What a cat! As a prank, Martha (Bart’s gal) and Bart trap Frank and ask Hassan: “saw Frank?”, Hassan adds “nah!”. Bart yanks a wand: “abracadabra!”, and Frank walks back. Ha ha ha ha!
Alas, Bart has a bad rap as a man that hawks ganja and can’t warrant that maracachafa’s rank…
Flashback:
Martha and Bart snatch a stasha a-class Afghan hash (Mazar). Can Martha and Bart hawk that hash at a bazaar? Mayhap Samarkand, Bandar-Abbas, Malta, Malaga, Malahat (Canada), Alaska…? An Alaskan chap has a drag at that cannapa and, aghast, asks Martha and Bart: “what’s that crap?!” And calls Martha and Bart charlatans and scams. “Whatcha talk ma man?!” bawls Bart, “that’s grand all-star plant!” and Martha slaps that man… Alas, that Alaskan man can’t stand Martha and Bart’s razzmatazz and slams a hand at Bart’s shank. Bart falls and Martha stabs that Alaskan man’s flank. Mad at that, Martha and Bart scram.
Far, Martha and Bart catch a car. “Gas, grass, ass?”, asks a wack man. “Grass!”, snap Martha and Bart and hand that man a dank sack. “Hava Java Bar!” adds Bart, and that man’s car acts as a cab.
At Hava Java, ABBA’s ablast. Martha and Bart mark Hassan as that sharp man scans a hardback. Hassan calls “salam!”, and Martha hands Hassan that bhang. Hassan’s lank hands craft a fat dagga. And at that, Hassan gasps “What a man!”, at an anagram par Gargas Parac.
Arshya
***
A univocalic text is a type of reverse lipogrammatic constrained writing that uses only consonants and a single vowel. “What a plant!” is a univocalic story in A, meaning that every single word in the story strictly uses the vowel A and no other vowels. The French writer Georges Perec (1936-1982), a member of the literary group OuLiPo, was a master of constrained writing. His story “What a Man!” (the original title is in English while the story is in French) is a univocalic text in A. Remaining within the univocalic constraint, he signs his story as Gargas Parac. “What a Plant!” is an homage to Georges Perec. —Arshia Eghbali
Originally published in Arkore 2: Word Vomit.